I find this life thing to be quite interesting. It is demanding a lot of my energy right now. I am in a state of flux - in a state of exploration, and finding myself (yet again). "Finding ourselves" sounds so cliche, but I think it is the point of what Joseph Campbell called the the Hero's Journey.
I am not too proud to admit that for most of my life I have worked hard to try to be just like everyone else ( I think most of us do actually). But when we make being like others our MO, we live in a constant state of fear and inner conflict. I am no longer interested in being like everybody else. I want to be authentically me, instead. But, as I delve into what makes me tick. I realize that journeying this way - trying to be the me I do not know very well yet, is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of courage, and resilience to learn to be okay with standing in our truth - to allow ourselves to put down our masks and our concerns for other's validation of our worthiness. And most often the people with whom we have been inauthentic with (consciously or unconsciously), perhaps for our whole lives, really don't like it much when we start showing those hidden parts of us; they don't like it when we step out our established roles in the system, and exhibit a new way of being. And who can blame them for not liking the new version of what they formerly knew us to be, really? Don't beat yourself up too quickly for having been inauthentic. Most of us participate in this kind of charades in order to create a version of us that will feel safe and have us fit in. Who wants to be all alone after all?
Society seems to be set up in such a way that restricts our individuality, and our unique ways we have of expressing ourselves. We are socialized to behave like everyone else - like the masses. We are taught, right from the get go, to suppress and hide our true authentic selves. Consequently, I believe we end up stifling our potentiality by doing this. We certainly are not really living. We merely become fixated on doing constant damage control around what others think about us. As Dr. Wayne Dyer so famously said, "What others think about us is none of our business." But what we think about ourselves is everything. The question is; do you know anything about the you that has not been designed by your external world? I don't know much about that person vat all?
I am tired of fitting in. No, I am bored to death with it. I want to let my freak flag fly. Being weirdly me is way more interesting than being a family-robot. Even with all of the admonitions and pain that being authentic may bring, I am deeply compelled to explore that part of me at this time in my life. My soul yearns to be me - to be free. And I know the freedom lies in what is...not in what I want to pretend life to be.
This life thing is not a puppet show. I will never feel any fulfilment as long as I continue to manipulate people into doing what I would have them do, in order to maintain the projection I desire. I want the truth about what I am, shown to me. So I can free myself from the prison of having having to be that which I am not. In other words, I do not wish to remain fragmented..
Krishnamurti, in Inward Revolution, says that communication is sharing the good the bad and the ugly of who we are together. True communication is sharing our truth, beyond the "she/he is a good person," when what they are doing pleases me, and "she or he is evil," when what they do is not pleasing me. Because, whether or not we know it, that is how most of us judge people's character.
We are all good and evil and every other emotion and description under the sun. I want to try and remember that so I can stop participating in the deceit and manipulations that go on when we don't. I want to stop participating in the violence that judgement causes. Can you feel the yearning to be more honest, and aware of the shadow side within yourself, too? Because I am convinced that that is where we will find peace, and serenity.
I spent this past week feeling on the outside of things. I felt angry, scared, hurt, lonely, brave, heroic, sorrowful, alone, and isolated. And that is how it feels to live in this world. To say what we need to say, and to do what we need to do, to be honest, is hard work. I have found that authenticity often pushes up against others lack of, or present inability to be authentic themselves...it triggers them. So when this happens - when we push up against that in someone near and "dear" to us, be prepared to receive some admonishment for having the audacity to step out of the established and accepted roles, and behaviours, that we use (like we use a drug) to be mechanical and robotic-like beings, on this planet. Authenticity, may even squeeze us right out of the herd. But for me, I have to risk that. I have to find my true herd, rather than continue to try to squeeze myself into a herd that is not a fit for my authentic self. And, sadly, the people who have no interest in the real-me (all of the real-me) are not my people.