I always wanted to fit in...to be included. I thought that if I were perfect I could achieve that. That was just BS. In order to try to portray myself as such, I abandoned myself, over and over again. None of us are only light. We are all spectrums of darkness and lightness—we are it all. As long as we stay in the “I am a “good” person prison, we will never be free to express our whole most glorious selves—to be able to embrace our inner monster, as my friend, and fellow artiste, Charles Benton calls it, and become whole. J. Krishnamurti says that our rejection of certain aspects of ourselves (usually our darkness) causes us to judge others, and creates division and even war. Humility is my goal. To recognize that I deserve a seat here, with all my flaws and my glorious attributes. Our shadows are our dear friends. They always have powerful messages for us. The key to getting the message is acceptance. Love to all of you today, my friends! ❤️
Perhaps good things do come in a box after all!? I picked up the ashes of my little Sydney angel today. The vet clinic gave me an imprint of her paw. It totally got me deep in the feels. I wept like a baby with people I didn't know. I accepted hugs and let some of my pain, through osmosis, be shared by them. Thank you Earth Angels. Thank you Universe.
So this is how it goes, hey. One day you are a crazy little black pug puppy, frantically crawling all over the other puppies to get to me--your momma. We choose each other. We are inseparable. I even limit my traveling over the 14 years, keeping your heart in mind. Then your gone. And I pick you up in a little cardboard box. Every cell in my body tells me this is wrong. They tell me that you can't fit in a little box that might hold artisan chocolates (I like that...sweet thing that you were). But that box holds what is left of you my darling. I get to thinking. What size of a box will I fit in when I am gone...when I am reunited with you, Sydney, and all of my other loves that have made the pilgrimage home before me? It sounds strange, but the thought does not scare me at all. It kind of relieves me to go into curiosity and humour, rather than grief.
Speaking of...the crematorium (is that what they are called?), they send a note along with the little chocolate box. It reads: "Grief is a gift...that we hate to unwrap...but it is the truest testament that we have known unconditional love." Oh boy...tears again. How very beautiful. Here are people who deal with death all the time, and they get the hearts that are affected by the very thing that gives them their livlihood. More Earth Angels.
I go looking for a piece of art, a box of some kind, to keep you in, Sydney. I look everywhere, but I don't find anything worthy of holding you, yet. I won't just put you in something just for the sake of putting you in something. It has to be quirky...like you were. It has to have whimsy, and humour, and maybe even a bit of mischief to it!? I will find that box. And I will keep you in my heart forever. Thank you for being my soul-animal. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. Thank you for being you.
Back to my readers. I promise to lighten up. I promise to let joyful memories replace my sadness. I am ready. Here is the poem I wrote that I shared on Facebook. The painting above is a work in progress. But, I needed to do this one last Sydney blog post for me. Farewell my best friend. Farewell my wee shadow. I will look for you at Rainbow Bridge when it is my time...Love Momma. <3
You chose me...
Like a scarf
Funny alien child
Eyes too big
Tail tightly wound
Cinnamon bun style
When you wagged...
You wagged it all baby
Whole back end
Wiggling with Infinite love
You chose me...
Part of me
Part of my tissue
Weaved your DNA
When I was afraid
You a master
A lover of people
How to be
For the journey...
For the lessons
Thank you for
To the end
I knew it
You were there...
No matter what
Rest your wings now...
Curl up on
Her Holy Lap
She gave me
The fleeting gift
For you were never
You were alway
Now it’s time
To give you back
To the Goddess
I open my heart
And my hands
Like the dove
Letting you go...
While holding your
In my Heart-Home
Love J <3
The last few days have been so hard for me. My heart was broken by my soul-mate/spirit-animal, Sydney’s departure. Last night I had to do something. I was faced with having to shut off and go to sleep and my heart was aching again.
All my patterns and routines are off. So much of Barry and my life has revolved around taking care of our little dog for 14 years. This morning I even found myself seeing her come from around from the front of the house to the back door. She always had this way of getting her needs met. “Hey, did you guys forget about me out here?”She seemed to say with her sparkly eyes. I’d open the door and she'd run in like a puppy—right up to the very end. I looked at the sliding door and suddenly I felt the intensity of loneliness. My sweet pug will never be there again. She will never walk through those doors in her physical form. That got me right in the feels.
This grief thing. It’s really interesting. One minute I’m so sad. The next minute I’m so grateful. The next minute I’m feeling for everyone that suffers loss, and we all do!
Last night I watched an old Gaiam TV (now Gaia)program on Grief Coaching Academy by Aurora Winters. She, having gone through unimaginable and unexpected loss (do we ever really expect it?), and out of necessity, created a program with tools to help us work through our grief more quickly. Her acronym PEACE stands for Presence, Expression, Acceptance, Contrary (the one I found most interesting) and finally Enthusiasm. Aurora’s program seems very gentle and it comes from someone who has been there. If you find you need some help dealing with these sometimes paralyzingly feelings of grief (which does not always include someone you love dying. It can be loss of all sorts, including loss of a marriage, a friendship, or even a job) you may want to check her out. I felt better just through energetically spending time with someone who had felt what I was feeling and was not afraid to go into the pain of it.
One other thing—she spoke of what others can do and say to “be” with someone who is grieving. I know that I have certainly suffered from wanting to be helpful, and yet not knowing how to be helpful. It’s tricky. The bottom line is just listen, if you can, and even go into the pain with them. Is there a time when your heart was broken? Share those feelings perhaps. Feel what it felt like and let them know you’ve been there and eventually it will get a bit easier to carry on.
You who have been heartbroken with me....that REALLY helped. You who do not know that we who suffer loss (and again, this is all of us) don’t need fixing...I get you too. It’s awkward and even counter-intuitive to not try to ease someone’s pain by justifying the event. But please know that no matter how you tried to show your love for me, the important part is you did! And I love you all, and appreciate you so much, for your sweet efforts.
It seems that life is NOT easy. I don’t care what anyone says about this. The human condition with its births, deaths, confusion, changes, uncertainties takes courage to survive and thrive within it. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Given the opportunity to love and care for someone we love--someone who may break our heart by leaving us before we are ready for them to go, I would still choose to do it all over again. It is true, better to have risked and lost than to have never loved at all. I am convinced toady that playing it safe and protecting your heart by not falling in love is to lie lonely.
Thank you Sydney for choosing me to be your momma. And thank you all for your friendship and love. I am wishing you health, happiness, peace and joy over the holiday season. <3
I am sitting here in my new art room. It has been a crazy eight weeks trying to make this place feel like home. I haven't been able to create art (unless you consider transforming a house to home art?) for all of that time. But I am seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Soon the windows and doors will be in, and I will resume creating.Yay!
I love the message in this art piece. It says, "Self Love liberated her from the bondage of her insecurities." Isn't that just the most awesome truth?! I know for me that last year has been a doozer. I wrote a book, my children's dad died, we sold our house on the Sunshine Coast, and we bought a fixer upper, and we moved to Salt Spring Island. All this while I dealt with issues stemming from a lack of self-love and insecurities.
Anyway, you get the idea. It has been busy. Just not too busy that my insecurities haven't had a chance to pop up here and there. When I feel my fears taking me down a rabbit hole that I really don't care to go down anymore. The thought that I actually have a choice in how I feel, and how I perceive what others are saying and doing, has made a world of difference to my life. I have moments (a lot of them, actually) where I know, without any doubt, that I can love myself and let whatever it is that is triggering me, go. I can let it go! What a concept (for a rat on a garlic ring, like me). I have blessed moments of surrendering, and they are beautiful. Wow! This is huge for this sensitive soul who loves to make up stories--stories that are not very nice to myself.
I'm getting to the point where I realize when I am about to be triggered, and instead of going into the trigger, I can love myself, and trust my heart and intuition, instead. I can leave the unintegrated stuff, that others are dealing with, for them, knowing that the doubts and fears are merely a result of their own insecurities.
Perhaps insecurities underly all conflict in the world? Those feelings of unworthiness, of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough--they really get us worked up and reacting, don't they?
Anyway, I decided that I am going to be happy. I am going to love myself so much that I can love others even when they are behaving in a way that is hard to love. I am going to feel compassion for their ungraciousness, remembering that they might be just dealing with their own insecurities. It's tough feeling insecure. I can have empathy for others who may be feeling combative because of those insecurities. I have been there many times myself. And it really never had anything to do with anyone else. It had everything to do with how I was feeling about myself.
So that is it. I want to be happy. And I know that I have to love myself to accomplish that. I am me, and that me is lovable. Hope you are loving yourself, too.
Lots of love,
Today is a gift. That is the first word that comes to mind when I started this blog post with "today is..." It is interesting how I have not been able to do my art for sometime. Admittedly, I have struggled with that, having difficulty seeing the obstacle as a potential gift. I got all caught up in feeling like "I am supposed to be doing it" But moving and renovating got in the way--life got in the way. That may sound a bit dismal, but I don't mean it that way. It has merely reminded me that I must always be willing to surrender my plans over to the Guiding Force of all...I must have faith. And I am pretty sure everyone has survived without me.
Let's be real, I can be a bit controlling. I get controlling when I feel afraid---when I want to make a situation that feels uncomfortable, comfortable for me. I become a victim, and victim's manipulate the people around them. I know that may sound harsh, but I have been a victim many times, so trust me, I know. Victims are very good sales people. When I feel sorry for myself, I want support for me on my pity pot---I want validation that I have been wronged somehow, so I can feel justified in feeling crappy about the way my life is going.
I was a bit down on Sunday night. So, I wrote out my feelings in a poem. I haven't written any poetry for awhile, and I have really missed the healing, almost magical , benefits that writing brings. The poem felt out of sync, but quickly I was able to find some rhythm. I shared my finished (is art ever really finished?) poem with a piece of art (I will share it below) on Facebook. I felt a bit awkward pressing "post" because I feel out of practice.
I like writing poetry. I like sharing my thoughts and art. I got a response from an Facebook friend of mine--an artist I adore. His note to me seemed straight from the lips of the Divine. It felt like it was meant to be, and it lifted my heart immediately. So if you get this pull to send someone a message, listen to it. I believe we get these nudges when we are tuned in to the Divine, and our resistance has a lot to do with our ego being engaged. The ego likes to say things like "That would be a stupid thing to say, and everyone will think your weird." Forget about that voice. Forget about looking weird. Be a kind human and go out on a limb, extending your hand to someone who may need a loving word.
This friend, the ever so talented Charles Benton, creator of Stella (who totes floats my boat), said a few things to me. He said, "So amazing to have one another's support! Especially during these times!! Let’s keep on making beautiful art for the world! That’s our calling!" I cannot begin to tell you how much this message meant to me.
Making art---creating, IS my calling. I know that but I have had doubts lately. I have had this underlying fear that I won't be able to handle what may become expected of me if I step into my calling (underneath that fear is probably a fear of not being good enough--so many layers to un-peel).
I have had serious doubts and fears lately. I have even felt defeated on some levels. I am sad about people who are dying around me. I see someone I love suffer and it breaks my heart. I want all the animals and people, on the planet (and in the cosmos) to feel safe and loved. I don't want the Orca to go extinct. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I wonder, "Is what I do silly in face of the enormity of all that?" I am thinking you may have had similar thoughts?
I am a student of the Universe. And science tells us that the Universe is made up of energy--that energy can not be created or destroyed. Therefore, I assume, all energy (including us) is here for eternity? Now when I think about the fact that we are 99. something % space. Then I see this physical life as more of an illusion, a thought in the one thinking the thought, more than than anything else.
They tell us that our thoughts are powerful--that we are each in fact creators through which the Mind of God uses to express ItSelf. And one of the things that has come up for me in recent times, through Krishanmurti's Inward Revolution, and recently by reading and listening to audio on Adishakti, the Divine Mother, is that we are beings of both dark and light. The more we can accept that we have dark within us (all of us) the more compassionate we can be towards ourselves and others.
Our minds are powerful. If we have a need to be "good" for example, we suffer. Because, the fact is, we are whole....therefore we are everything--good, bad and neutral. If we can begin to accept that we are everything, we can begin to listen to our heart more, rather than that of our rational mind (ego). Our heart, if we listen to Her, will tell us what we are supposed to be doing. We will intuitively feel aligned with the Divine.
So this is a long round about way to say that art is my calling--sharing is my calling too. When I share my doubts and fears I show you it is alright to be imperfect. That is healing. And that is how we heal together...by boldly being imperfectly authentic.
Back to the power of mind and faith...well, I believe there is a Divine Plan, and by staying in faith, and out of fear, we surrender to our innate Highest Wisdom. Love IS the answer to transform our strife into blessings. Our energy is a powerful healing divination. Use it today. Love yourself completely (all parts---light and dark), as the manifestation of the Divine Mother, that you are. Because, I believe, THAT is our calling.
Lots of Love,
By Jeanette MacDonald
They're always there
Only asks questions...
In its warm, cozy
Trying to speak...
Trying to tell us
"Will you let me
care for you,
Through thick or
Will you let me
Wagging so fast...
Can't keep up
With all reason...
It's on the look out
Deep deep feelings
Inside the soul...
Past the guard of
All intellectual thought...
That's where they
Past the veil
The warm red flow
Of all that
We don't "know"
To travel this
"What is this
"Where will it
If I agree
Connecting us all
Of our Creator
Beating in unison
Within the heart
Of us all
That is your path
Just follow Its boom...
Follow Its Heart-Song
For if you do...
You can never
That's the place...
That's your Home...
Good morning beautiful friends. I wanted to update you on the craziness that my life has been lately. As you may have noticed, I haven't been real consistent of late with my blogging, but I think under the circumstances I should be excused. We all have our one crazy life to deal with, and mine has kept me quite busy for the last couple of months...more like the last three months, actually.
We bought a house on Salt Spring -- It felt like a Divine Guidance thing (more on that later), and sold ours in three weeks of craziness (two or three showings on most days). The place we bought on SSI is a fixer upper....the house and yard have been let go for a number of years. Anyway, that is where all my creativity and elbow grease has gone for the last month. Thankfully, it is all starting to come together and this place is starting to feel like home. I love old houses, and this little cottage close to town has potential and heart. But it is going to take some work.
On Friday of this week I felt the stirrings (once again) to get on publishing that book I have written (Lady and the Fox). The book which I have literally poured hundred of hours into the making -- painting the art and writing the inspired by Emmet Fox pieces. It also contains a very vulnerable biographical part in which I share my journey -- a journey that has not always been easy. The book has been sitting on my computers collecting dust for many months now. I had to look at what that last little bit of fear that was keeping me from going forward with publication, was all about. I am sure it has something to do with not really believing in myself at some level. I read my introduction, a poem, and a daily writing piece again. And that got me really excited again. Then I got up the courage to ask an accomplished and brave writer/editor/business woman, that I REALLY admire, if she would consider reading my book and writing the forward for it! To my overwhelming joy, she said that she would!
The making of this book has really pushed me past many long held fears. Several months ago, I had mustered the courage to ask another well-known author -- one I also deeply admire (who writes in a similar genre that my book is written) if she would read my manuscript, and perhaps consider writing an endorsement for it....gulp. Both of these women, who are currently doing so much in service of humanity, took the time to read my manuscript, so they could give me their feed-back on it. I was humbled by their generous words of encouragement, and the love they offered me. They are both promoters of women speaking up and telling their story so that other women do not have to feel so alone. I LOVE that. It can be painful to be stuck in a story, thinking we are the only one on the face of the planet that thinks and feels the way we do. When we share our story we bust that illusion. My involvement with both of these ladies has helped me to overcome a lot of of my own fears, so that I could share my unique story (and we all have one) with the world and heal through doing so.
These two have been among some of the wonderful role-models that have emerged lately, helping women (and men) band together in support and love for one another, so that our souls could be free to live out loud, with purpose. We have proven that we can do great things together, my friends. We just have to get up the courage to to put ourselves out there by asking for help;, all the while reminding ourselves that this glorious universe is filled with limitless opportunities. You deserve success! What we are overcoming together is beautiful. We do not have to live in shame, paralyzed and isolated in the shadow of our mistakes, anymore. We can cast the light on our errors, knowing we ALL make mistakes, so we can begin to embrace each other's whole and True Selves. We are not our mistakes. We are Perfect Spirits!
It takes fearlessness to be vulnerable, though. Remember, it is NEVER easy for any of us, but stepping through our fears is where our gifts are.
My heart is full right up to the brim with love, appreciation and respect for my book, myself and these two women who said yes when I believed enough in myself to ask for assistance. I am happy to report that I have contracted with a publishing house to start making my manuscript into a real-life book! Stay tuned. We can celebrate our accomplishments together because we are in this life thing together. <3
I haven’t done a post in a bit. Sorry about that. I have been dealing with some major life changes. I might get more into all that at a later date. But for now suffice it to say that I am in the middle of a complicated move (think three ferries away).
I had a moment yesterday (and it carried into today). I had a visit from my old friends Fear and Stupidity. I was faced with something that I had absolutely no idea how to do, and I panicked. Asking the question about how to do it meant that I might look ignorant because I was not able to figure it out for myself (a lost opportunity for my ego to look brilliant). What advice would I give a friend who was faced with the “I don’t know, and I certainly don’t want to look stupid” terrors? I would say it is no big deal. Just ask! But noooo….not me. Instead I felt ashamed for not knowing, and and embarrassed that I did it wrong.
In proper perspective, walking through the fear of not knowing is the only way that I have ever experienced anything that felt like success. Just finding the courage to be vulnerable enough to put my art out there, even though many times I felt super silly, has brought me so many gifts. Today I am thinking that success always requires a good dose of willingness to be brave enough to look...ahem...stupid.
A year ago I was asked (out of the blue) to submit some of my art and a piece sharing about about my artistic journey to what was quickly becoming one of my favourite magazines. That magazine is Best Self by Kristen Noel. I had the serendipitous fortune of meeting the founder, Kristen, at a Hay House Writer’s Workshop in NYC., two years ago. Kristen was one of the presenters on the Hay House stage, and she shared how she had filled one of the same seats that I was filling that day, only two years earlier. And there she was, up on the stage with her gracious and bubbly beauty, sharing how she had launched this gorgeous magazine. There were lots of well-known speakers there that day, but her story of overcoming her fears and life challenges to go on to do great things inspired me and spoke directly to my heart. If she could do that, perhaps I could do something with my art as well.
So a year after getting up the courage to ask Kristen to be my friend on Facebook she asks me if I would be interested in that amazing opportunity to be featured in Best Self!!! I jumped at the chance of course. The only reason that Kristen even noticed me in the first place was because I had had the courage to push through all sorts of “I’m not good enough” fears and vulnerability to share my art with the world. So, like today, I still push myself through my fears. I AM good enough and so are you! Don’t EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.
Since then, it has been my pleasure and honour to watch Kristen, and Best Self magazine continue to flourish and grow. But nothing happens unless we step out of the shadow, and face our fears. The only way out of our fears is, indeed, through them.
So, this week I am so excited to share that Best Self is offering this amazing World Summit (along with 21 of my personal favourites in the realm of holistic wellness), starting September 25th. These are the people that I have looked to to show me how to find my own inner courage so I could begin to work through my fears, unblock my creativity, heal years of accumulated hurts, so I could begin to embrace my gifts (and we ALL have gifts).
I am looking forward to participating in this great opportunity and hope you will join me. It’s FREE to register now, and the entire conference is taking place online - which means: in your home, on the road, on YOUR time. And it’s designed to give you the inspiration, mojo and tools to shift from what might be presently not working in your life to what IS possible. Because (believe little old me) the possibilities ARE truly limitless. Are you ready? Click on over to here: kristennoel.ontraport.com/t?orid=5122&opid=3 - to take your first steps towards self-empowerment!
I find this life thing to be quite interesting. It is demanding a lot of my energy right now. I am in a state of flux - in a state of exploration, and finding myself (yet again). "Finding ourselves" sounds so cliche, but I think it is the point of what Joseph Campbell called the the Hero's Journey.
I am not too proud to admit that for most of my life I have worked hard to try to be just like everyone else ( I think most of us do actually). But when we make being like others our MO, we live in a constant state of fear and inner conflict. I am no longer interested in being like everybody else. I want to be authentically me, instead. But, as I delve into what makes me tick. I realize that journeying this way - trying to be the me I do not know very well yet, is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of courage, and resilience to learn to be okay with standing in our truth - to allow ourselves to put down our masks and our concerns for other's validation of our worthiness. And most often the people with whom we have been inauthentic with (consciously or unconsciously), perhaps for our whole lives, really don't like it much when we start showing those hidden parts of us; they don't like it when we step out our established roles in the system, and exhibit a new way of being. And who can blame them for not liking the new version of what they formerly knew us to be, really? Don't beat yourself up too quickly for having been inauthentic. Most of us participate in this kind of charades in order to create a version of us that will feel safe and have us fit in. Who wants to be all alone after all?
Society seems to be set up in such a way that restricts our individuality, and our unique ways we have of expressing ourselves. We are socialized to behave like everyone else - like the masses. We are taught, right from the get go, to suppress and hide our true authentic selves. Consequently, I believe we end up stifling our potentiality by doing this. We certainly are not really living. We merely become fixated on doing constant damage control around what others think about us. As Dr. Wayne Dyer so famously said, "What others think about us is none of our business." But what we think about ourselves is everything. The question is; do you know anything about the you that has not been designed by your external world? I don't know much about that person vat all?
I am tired of fitting in. No, I am bored to death with it. I want to let my freak flag fly. Being weirdly me is way more interesting than being a family-robot. Even with all of the admonitions and pain that being authentic may bring, I am deeply compelled to explore that part of me at this time in my life. My soul yearns to be me - to be free. And I know the freedom lies in what is...not in what I want to pretend life to be.
This life thing is not a puppet show. I will never feel any fulfilment as long as I continue to manipulate people into doing what I would have them do, in order to maintain the projection I desire. I want the truth about what I am, shown to me. So I can free myself from the prison of having having to be that which I am not. In other words, I do not wish to remain fragmented..
Krishnamurti, in Inward Revolution, says that communication is sharing the good the bad and the ugly of who we are together. True communication is sharing our truth, beyond the "she/he is a good person," when what they are doing pleases me, and "she or he is evil," when what they do is not pleasing me. Because, whether or not we know it, that is how most of us judge people's character.
We are all good and evil and every other emotion and description under the sun. I want to try and remember that so I can stop participating in the deceit and manipulations that go on when we don't. I want to stop participating in the violence that judgement causes. Can you feel the yearning to be more honest, and aware of the shadow side within yourself, too? Because I am convinced that that is where we will find peace, and serenity.
I spent this past week feeling on the outside of things. I felt angry, scared, hurt, lonely, brave, heroic, sorrowful, alone, and isolated. And that is how it feels to live in this world. To say what we need to say, and to do what we need to do, to be honest, is hard work. I have found that authenticity often pushes up against others lack of, or present inability to be authentic themselves...it triggers them. So when this happens - when we push up against that in someone near and "dear" to us, be prepared to receive some admonishment for having the audacity to step out of the established and accepted roles, and behaviours, that we use (like we use a drug) to be mechanical and robotic-like beings, on this planet. Authenticity, may even squeeze us right out of the herd. But for me, I have to risk that. I have to find my true herd, rather than continue to try to squeeze myself into a herd that is not a fit for my authentic self. And, sadly, the people who have no interest in the real-me (all of the real-me) are not my people.
I had a conversation with a friend about the messages within my art. I told her that I am beginning to be able to read the messages within the pieces now. I was previously disconnected to these messages, and even thought that a person had to possess certain magical abilities or skills to be able to read their art, or tarot/oracle cards. I now know this is not so. I now know we all have the ability to read everything that is happening around us. In fact, the messages we get are a direct sign of how we are choosing to live our lives.
I know the idea that we are ALWAYS making choices (Byron Katie is a good read on this) is a strong statement, and it gets a lot of people riled up. I get it. We all have our stories about how something has been done to us, or how someone has hurt us. I have certainly had my own fair share of stories, and some of those stories have been tough slogging to get through. I have had my heart broken many times, as I am sure you have. But I now can see how I chosen to react to all of those situations in a certain way.
I am fifty-four years young now, so maybe I am starting to see things a bit differently? I don't know, but I am beginning to see life as a series of making choices. How does this relate to getting messages from my art? Well, what I get out of each piece, or each card, will tell you where I am at with my life in the moment. Chances are, some of what I get out of my reading, will resonate with you too. Science now tells us we are all inter-connected by a web that is invisible to our eyes, but not to our hearts. Every emotion is felt through that web by every creature on the planet (and even in the cosmos). We put our emotions out in to the ether and we contribute to the infinite reality of all. Yes, I believe we are that powerful.
Here's the thing, I have recently tripped upon a profound truth that has begun to change how I think and how I feel - AFFECT everything in fact. This knowing has begun to release me from the bondage of my my long held insecurities. I thought that it was worthwhile sharing what I have learned here with you - my fellow web-vibers. When we get hurt by something that is said to us, it is because we have forgotten that we all have every kind of emotion, defect, strength, feeling, thought and whatever else you can imagine, with us. Recently someone said something about me that rocked my world. She was upset by something I said, and in turn said I was a violent person. I was obviously very hurt by being called that. I could proceed by telling you the story - my story, but that would just be me defending my not violent nature. So, I am not going to go into that here. It is totally not the point of this lesson for me. My process is more about what one does with that kind of situation - that kind of hurt? That is much more interesting to me.
When we get called a name we automatically go into victim-mode. And what do we do from there? We hurt back, of course. Because hurt people, hurt people. Or as Byron Katie says: Victims are violent people.
The problem stems from the fact that we all want to be seen as good. We have been imprinted upon to think that being good is the most important quality for a human to strive for. But the truth is that seeking to be good ( at all costs) can be very dangerous. From birth we are taught to fight to defend our good character. If we really think about this, we might even agree that all wars have even been fought over defending a country's, a religion's, a person's, a philosophy's, an etc's., goodness. So, I am, at this time in my life, much more interested in honesty and authenticity, rather than goodness.
So someone calls me violent. What is my knew-jerk reaction to being called that? It is to go out and do damage control and tell everyone else who might have heard that I am this, what a good person I am, and what a NOT so good person the person who called me violent, is. Which is, ahem...violence.
Non-violence, as described by Wikipedia, is: "the personal practice of being harmless to self and others under every condition. It comes from the belief that hurting people, animals or the environment is unnecessary to achieve an outcome and refers to a general philosophy of abstention from violence based on moral, religious or spiritual principles."
My big epiphany came from reading J. Krishnamurti's book, Inward Revolution. I was reminded that we all have every character and emotion within us. We forget this and we want to be perfectly good. Perhaps we may have been told (or have been unconsciously brain-washed to believe) that in order to gain access to heaven when we die we need to be good? If this is true, we understandably become fearful of our natural tendencies towards being violent, or any other way of acting that does not fall under the umbrella of good emotions, which in turn makes that idea of violence the one that we think about the most. And we all know what we focus on, we make so.
How do I integrate that wound so I do not act out so violently to it? I accept that I DO have a violent side of me. And the person dishing out the insult, does as well. I let go of the idea that one has to be good, while the other has to be bad. We are all good and bad, violent and loving, kind and selfish, loathing and joyful....and on and on it goes (as with Freud's animal - Id part of us in the unconscious mind). We are ALL emotions and feelings and that is perfect. So from that place; the But for the grace of God, go I place, I can accept, forgive and dissipate the violence in the moment. I am not better than anyone else...but I am no worse than anybody else either.
I hope this might take some pressure off you as well. But I know herein lies true humility, and the road to world peace.
The art work reading:
The Eagle represents power, strength and the ability to see things from the highest vantage (eagle-eye view); to see everything as the Creator's sees it - every aspect of Self is Divinely created.
I love that the eagle represents brutality, and yet we love it anyway. We hate (violence) war-mongers, and are in awe of the eagle, who often steals our beloved domestic pets for it's version of a steak dinner. We accept that that is just what the eagle does. But, with us humans if we even remotely show our animal side we experience blame, shame and guilt, causing us to be fragmented and in a constant state of inner-conflict.
We live in a state of denial and conflict with our inner-animal. Our conscious minds have us slave to the idea of having to be good, so we bury the animal part of us deep in our unconscious mind - and we are continually triggered by anyone who speaks of our less than enlightened or perfect parts within us. The eagle reminds us to accept and integrate all parts of ourselves, for our best life experience. It is only through awareness and acceptance that we may consciously choose the better action. Our inner-eagle allows us to be humble by accepting that we are no better or worse than any other soul on earth. We merely HAVE differing levels of experience. If we put ourselves in the life (rather than the shoes) of another, we gain perspective as to why a person may have done what they have done, and we can then, perhaps, see that if we had lived the same life we very likely may have done the things we abhor. This is the ultimate non-conditional form of being Loving and humble.
The butterfly-fairy speaks to change. Life is constantly in a state of change and renewal, transformation and growth. Meditation is seeing everything form beyond the prison of our pasts - our old stories; it is seeing things anew - or as Viktor Frankl implied, it is seeing things from "the space (the breath) between stimuli and response.
I don't believe meditation means to force non-thinking...for we will never achieve that. I believe it means to be present to, and accountable for, everything that happens within our experience, in the moment. Meditation is the "I am that, I am" - the recognition that that which we see, that we like or dislike in another is also within ourselves.
11:11 - The Awakening Code, reminds us all that we are of Infinite Nature, within and without. There is so much more to us than what is going on on the physical plane. Remember, we are all connected. Watch the video Black Hole Here Nassim Haramein for a bit more perspective on what we actually are. We are all universes unto ourselves, and connected to the universes of each other and the cosmos, at the same time. We are so much more than our petty annoyances. The Angels want you to know how precious and Loved you are in your totality.
Enjoy your weekend, and for my fellow Canadians, happy Canada Day, eh!
Today, I found myself questioning everything that I have previously thought to be true about myself. This is why: I have had a serious need to be seen as a "good person." So much so that if anyone dared to question my "goodness" I would, quite aggressively, defend it with everything I had. But, all of a sudden some of the things that used to confuse me around the good/bad paradox, started to make perfect sense to me. I began to realize that we ALL want to be seen as "good" - so badly, in fact, that we are willing to go to war over it (think religions).
I pondered over my dog, Poppy, as she got all excited on our walk when a squirrel crossed the road. She doesn't know that chasing, and/or killing a squirrel is "good" or "bad." It just is what she does. She is driven by her animal instincts. I felt a bit envious of that, actually.
Here's the thing - we humans are animals too, but we have this thing called "consciousness" that has us in a constant state of inner conflict. We know that killing is "bad," but a lot of us eat meat/animals, anyways - by doing that we are going against our own judgement of what we subconsciously deem to be a bad thing. This paradox has created a sense of division and fragmentation within ourselves. We accept that our animal pets are carnivores, but when it comes to ourselves we don't know what to accept or what to believe is right or wrong, so we bury this confusion, as denial, deep within our unconscious minds because we cannot bear to look at it. The problem is that by not acknowledging this darker side of being human, we live in a continual state of guilt and shame, and even though it flavours every part of our lives we don't even know it is there.
I have been reading a book called Inward Revolution, by J. Krishnamurti, and it is changing the way I see myself and others. I can see that I have had the tendency to judge others for these parts of myself that I am pained to acknowledge - the not so pretty darker parts of me. Like it or not, I have them within me, and I hazard to say that you probably do too. What if we accepted that we were not always "good?" I think that if we did we would have a lot less conflict, judgement and wars in our world. This is merely my opinion, of course. As you will see it has affected my card spread and blog post, this week. I hope it gets you thinking about your own inner dark spots so we might begin to find our commonality in this world, and maybe that might even bring about some world peace?
As synchronicity would have it, I received these beautiful, and spiritual cards in the mail last week. It is a gift that means so much to my heart - I cannot even express through using words how wonderful it felt to receive a gift like this. These cards light me up, and make me feel loved and connected to this planet, and to all of my fellow earth-dwellers who I share it with. Thank you dear Wendy! I am so grateful for your thoughtfulness.
Here is my first card spread using them. I feel so Divinrly lead in doing this reading. I hope you feel that as well, and that they help you like they have helped me this morning. Blessings and happy Sunday to you all.
Past- Suppression: This card is interesting on every level. If anyone were to ask me what would explain my human struggles in my past (and the problems that have historically plagued humanity), I would have to say that it would be the suppression of our shadow/darker-side, or darker emotions (see the dark volcanic image of the card - representing below the surface of all reality, or the the unconscious mind).
The work I've done lately has demonstrated that in order for us to become whole (in less internal conflict - represented by the image of the person tied up in knots in the artwork of this card), we must see that we are ALL made up of a rainbow of emotions - both dark and light. To disown any one of these emotions is to give that disowned part of us complete and utter control over our lives. This disownment manifests itself as triggers and victim/violent reactions in our human experiences, which constantly flood our sacred bodies with toxic "fight or flight" chemicals. We don't have to stretch our psyches very far to know what I'm talking about here - we feel it. Are we living in harmony or disharmony? Our bodies ease or dis-ease will tell us everything we need to know.
Present - Integration: I marvel over the Universal Knowledge that is always available to us. This card represents such Wisdom. "Integration" just so happens to be my word for this year! And it comes up for us in the Present position in this card reading, right after suppression. Can you feel the magnitude of importance of this card for us right now? Integration means to bring those fragmented pieces of ourselves up to the surface and together (yes, all of them), so we may become unified, and harmonious, within ourselves.
I am that, I am. We are ALL violent. We are ALL Love. We are ALL darkness. We are ALL Light. We are ALL of that (as represented by the fortune teller's yin and yang crystal ball - representing the male and female - the opposites, the rainbow in the crown chakra, the strength and cunningness of the eagle, the grace of the swan, and the transformational qualities of the darker/unconscious mind, represented by the snake in the lower position on this card). And when we can accept all aspects of self as being Holy and Divinely created, we will finally be able to experience harmony with ourselves and others. "Integration" (bringing all these pieces of self together) is the first step in Loving and forgiving ourselves and others - the first step in becoming humble - the first step in accepting that "we are ALL perfectly imperfect" in our immediate human state and condition.
Future - Postponement: My ego, who loves nothing more than to feel like it has my life all planned and figured out, feels a bit nervous about this card in the "future" position in this reading. My ego wants to march forward (right now!), taking all of my fears and beliefs with it into the future. This card beckons us to be present to our Higher Wisdom, instead. It reminds us that in looking and thinking backwards we close ourselves off from living in the present. It suggests that by clinging to our old ideas of "how things are" we miss the opportunities that can only be discovered through letting go of all ideas - by dying to each moment, so we may be reborn anew to the present moment, which truly is the only "time" we ever have to live. To "think" that we "know" what is "right," is to shut ourselves off from the opportunities that the now is always offering us.
"Thinking" is always based on the past. The more we can see each new present moment with new "unknowing" eyes, the more we get to truly live. If we choose to bring the past into each new moment, we never really get to experience the now; we merely create a re-run of what we've already experienced.
The framed, colourful world (in the image of the card) beyond and within the black and white plane, gives us hope - it shows us that if we can let go of the past, we will open ourselves up to experiencing a much less fragmented and internally conflicted life; an experience that only exists and is available to us in the alternate-dimension of the "now,." The "now" is a quantum dimension. And how wonderful is it that that Infinite World awaits us all right now, if we should so choose to open ourselves up to it.
Sending Love, acceptance and forgiveness to all - knowing that in every situation that I might be tempted to judge, "But for the grace of God, go I." <3
Whimsical artist and spiritual writer creating art from the heart.