At some point my ego, which Williamson says speaks first and loudest, wanted me to feel special...ugh (it is always that egoic need to feel special - my insecurities - that gets me into trouble)! And the old adage, be careful for what you ask for because you just might get it, became true for me, and I did not want what I was manifesting for myself. I made myself feel special by committing to do something that I did not want to do, in order to people-please, and in the process I backed myself into a corner and I hurt someone else. And then, to add insult to injury, I wanted to pin the whole thing on the person I was hurting, through being unauthentic, and not saying "no" when I should have (this is why boundaries are so imperative).
I love my life. I love the simplicity of knowing that I am merely a conduit of an unlimited Source that we are all a part of. I forgot for a moment that we all have access to this unlimited Source. I forgot that if anyone wants something badly enough they too can conspire with Source to make their creative desires manifest, like I can. Each one of us must decide to align ourselves with this Power, which is always ours, to bring our creativity to light. For a brief moment, I erroneously made myself the source of someone else's creativity, forgetting that they have access to the same Source that I do.
Williamson says that when we get off track; when we forget that there is an unlimited Source available to everyone, and we listen to our ego instead, which always speaks first and loudest, we need to go back in time and figure out where we lost our connection; where we lost our way, and atone (press the reset button through being accountable) for our short-comings and apologize for our wrong-doings.
Being in recovery, I hear about the tenth step a lot ( Continued to take a personal inventory and when wrong promptly admitted it). This step demands that I am honest about what my ego's indulgences are, and apologize for them when I fall into them, so I may get back on the right track again. I know when I am off track because I feel a sense of dread and anxiety rather than feeling at peace with my Self. When I feel peaceful I am aligned with Spirit. When I feel anxious I am disconnected from Spirit, and in ego. This is true for all of us. Peace and anxiety are our guides. Making an amends is a hard pill for my ego to swallow; since my ego's only purpose is to be right. But when I am suffering emotionally, I am in ego.Thankfully, Williamson says that the blessings that come out of atoning for our wrong-doings are that we get to once again re-align ourselves with a Spirit who has held our gifts in trust for us, patiently waiting for us to return to to Spirit, so we may claim them....phew! I love that. In other words, there is no punishing outer source. We alone choose to suffer, through our free-will, by choosing the limited vision of our ego's guidance, instead of making use of an all-knowing and all-seeing Spirit's Infinite directions.
For it is only there, aligned with this wonderful Infinite Spirit, that we get to manifest our best and highest experience (our true creative gifts). Sometimes my ego-self wants to be liked, or special, or part of, so badly, that it becomes an actor; it revels in "look at me...I am the best artist, writer, cook, decorator, or whatever!" And from that place, my ego gets me into all sorts of commitments with others that I do not want to be in. These lower desires then become my creative blocks, and my true spirit becomes extremely discontent and anxious because it is not interested in such things. This is where I have been for the better part of a week.
I am personally convinced that when we are aligned with Spirit we get to be a conduit of the best art we can make.
Julia Cameron says we stay connected to this sweet spot by asking in our prayers, each night, for the right guidance, and we hear the answers to those prayers in our morning pages/journaling. I agree with her. I see this in action by journaing every morning. I've heard it said that the difference between prayer and meditation is that with prayer we ask for guidance, and with meditation we receive it.
Recovery, Cameron and Williamson, have all given us some really simple formulas for living our most peaceful life. But these formulas call for us to use constant self-examination, and to make consistent right choices. The powerful activating agents to their formulas are taking responsibility for our actions and the point where we veered away from our inner-guidance (the point where our ego took over the wheel) and that we become willing to be forever accountable for our actions, by making an amends for the damage we do when we take ourselves off the beam. We are ALL human - yes, ALL OF US! There is nothing for us to be ashamed of in being less than perfect. We all make mistakes. We should be proud of the fact that we are able to identify the errors we make, and that we are brave enough to admit them so we may set them right again. This is how we demonstrate our moral fiber. And this is how Williamson says we get go back in time and reconnect with our Source's highest plan for our best lives.
I am feeling better today. I still have some amends to make for getting myself into some things that I had no business getting myself into. But, I know I am on the right track because my anxiety gauge is beginning to return to the peace position.
Wishing you all love, peace and a connection to your Creator and creativity today.