We often joke that Barry and I are "change-aholics". But, truthfully, I have felt a bit ashamed about this. I read this little piece called Crying For The Moon, this morning and it just hit me. "This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state off affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal caving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world. Still a child, he cries out to the moon. And the moon, it seems, won't have him!" ~ Language Of The Heart. I realized that the reason I feel ashamed is because I am still seeking the approval in the eyes of others. I can't be seeking approval and being the most "me" possible at the same time. These two ways of living are polar opposites!
"Success in the eyes of the world" This is the part I have consistently gotten tangled up and confused about in my life. Why is that I can't just be excited about the next new adventure? I get glimpses of clarity around this when I write my morning pages and read my inspirational books. There is magic in the act of writing my thoughts down.
To start with, Barry is in the process of selling his business to a younger fellow, so he can finally retire. He has been commuting to the Queen Charlotte Islands (Haida Gwaii) for over 25 years. He is tired of doing it and wants to enjoy himself more. Because we are trying to tie up loose ends, we have also sold our beloved boat, Natural Selection, to a couple (now friends!) from Puget Sound. Also, we are in the process of buying a smaller boat. We still want to cruise a bit and get to go to the island to see our kids and grand kids. This boat is 29' with a master stateroom. It is a great weekend cruiser or if we want to go on a month long cruise we can still do it.
Moving back to the Sunshine Coast was a big change for us. I left behind my kids and grand kids on Vancouver Island (even they would admit we did not see each other that much when we lived there). I feel a bit selfish looking after myself by doing what we want to do and not looking after someone else?! But, I really love it here and I LOVE our new house and this sweet bay where we get to live. We will just have to visit the kids more.
The thing is that I accept that everyone else is doing there own thing. I do not expect anyone to do anything for me to be okay, but I have trouble extending the same courtesy to myself. I seem to have the idea that I should not be able to live my life in a way that makes me feel joyful?! To do that makes me feel selfish? I do it anyway. My soul leads me and then my ego (Edging God Out?) tells me I am being bad somehow (where did that kind of thinking come from...ugh!) when I am not sacrificing my happiness for everyone else. That has always been my job. I haven't been really good at it, mind you. I always do what I am inspired to do. But I still feel naughty about it.
I really want to practice acceptance and self-love more. I know this will just improve my relationships with my friends and family. Let's just all give each other permission to follow our dreams and reach for the stars. Let's let go of expecting others to do something so we can be happy because that just does not work. Let's just be happy and eat cake instead, okay!
"Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, begin it. because action has magic, grace and power in it." Goethe