Yesterday, I dove into a bit of a tail-spin. I plummeted. I went to where I do not like to go anymore. I felt like a victim. A victim of my own actions. Here I am professing to be a positive thinker, and I just couldn't get into the positive groove yesterday at all. I am a bit fragile sometimes. I am tough as nails too. And the beauty is that I have some tools today to get myself out of the depths of my own self-induced and fragile despair, when I dig myself in real good, like yesterday.
What set it all off? My books arrived and because of living in Canada, I got to see it and hold it in my hands for the first time yesterday. I never did receive my proof. The book seemed smaller than I had anticipated. Perhaps that was my big thinking. Perhaps I blew it out of proportion in my mind? But it arrived in its 7x10 size full of my dreams about making a book out of my childhood memories, about my struggles and adventures that have made up my life and consequently who I have become. All of a sudden I felt shy and full of self-doubt. Here was my heart laid out for everyone to see. And would they even like what they see? Would they think I was a weirdo, childish, untalented, blah, blah, blah? I just felt completely naked, exposed and vulnerable.
I went through the day trying to utilize some tools I have developed to get myself out of my stinking-thinking, but the fear followed me around all day like my shadow. It wasn't looming. It was just there like a bad smell that I couldn't quite shake.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit different. I am back to feeling myself more. I am trying to figure out how to price my book. I find that the idea of asking for money for my book brings up all sorts of limiting thoughts and insecurities for me. I thought I was getting a bit of a handle on this area, but nope. Those issues are still there. I wanted to price my book at a price that people could afford. That was my number one consideration. A lot of the kids who could benefit from reading my story are going to be the ones who struggle, like I struggled as a child. And that may just mean that they do not have a lot of money to buy books? We will see what happens.
Really this story is about a little girl who survived and used her struggles to get even more out of life. This is not a story for the person who wants to wallow in their past despair. I believe wallowing keeps us in the place we are wallowing about (just like yesterday did). I want to experience all of the good that this life has to offer me. I am coming to see that the only way to do that is to realize I have the ability, always, no matter where I find myself, to choose joy; to make the decisions necessary to not be a victim; to take responsibility for my "now".
I read a story by Emmet Fox yesterday about an old bear who happens upon an empty camp site. The campers had left a pot boiling on the fire. The lid, dancing, popping and whistling, intrigued the bear. So he picks up the hissing pot and in the process scalds himself. As he burns himself with the boiling pot, he does what bears do; he hugs the pot even closer to him, and burns himself even more. The more he burns, the more he hugs. He doesn't think about putting the pot down and letting go of the thing that is causing his pain. Likewise, the more I hug my negative thoughts to me, the more I hurt myself. But the beauty is that I can let it go at any time I choose to think differently at any time, and I can pick up a happier thought instead. Oh what relief!!!! Thank God for choice! :)
So here I am today. I am pulling up my big-girl socks and I am going to be happy again. I am going to feel as good about me as I do about you. I am not perfect, but I am growing and doing stuff, and that is alright!
Here is the link: https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/224806715/shoo-shoo-shoo-sha-la-la-personally. Thanks for inspiring me.