So here I am, awake early on another glorious Saturday morning. It is 6:30 am and I have already been up an hour. Some people might get frustrated if they woke up as early as I sometimes do, but I see a gift horse and I am ready to ride that baby. First thing I do when I get up is feed Sydney who is always eager for me to get up early, feed her royal highness and then she is ready for some more serious sleeping. Right now she is laying beside me snoring her little pug heart out. That's just the way I like it. Then I make myself my morning latte (I know, high maintenance), and get down with my pen and paper for my morning pages. I write three full pages first thing. After my writing, I have four daily readings. What can I say, I like choices! One of them, if not all of them will relate directly to what is going on in my life. Is that weird or what? I don't think so. I think it is more likely that I suffer from what I consider to be a common human condition. I call this condition being ego-driven. It's an on-going trip for me.
Even before I got out of bed this morning I was being visited by a ghost from my past. My children's book was made live yesterday, so my ego wants to get in there and do some work on that number! Holy crow! My Love inside my soul says, "I MADE THIS BOOK"!!!! Wow! And my ego says, "I wonder if anyone will like it?"
The point is that the latter question is none of my business! I need to get back into why I made this book. I made it as a celebration of life. I was celebrating the life of a man, who happened to be my father, and the adventures (AKA struggles) of two little girls who had to navigate a bumpy life at a very early age.
My sister and I had two young parents. They made huge blunders, both of them. I have carried resentments towards both of them for a lot of my life. Dwelling in those painful moments in the past, highlighting all the obstacles that that pain has caused in my own life. But, my art (my darling art) has been freeing me and helping me to see things much differently.
Julia Cameron's daily reading today, talked about getting out of our heads and into action....making art, as a form of moving meditation. She suggests that remaining in our heads causes us to continue to talk about doing the things we want to do, but we never really think we can. Just starting has a power. That is what I did a few months back. I started to write my first children's book! And yesterday it was published on Amazon! Truly amazing for someone who never considered herself to be a writer, right?
This is what I wrote in my morning pages: "I am not a writer per say. I have become a dedicated creatively expressive person. I drag my stories out of hiding, expose them to the light of my soul and create love out of those old dry bones." Yes, that is exactly what I did with this little book. Were there hurts and resentments building back then that I could have focused on? Oh yeah, definitely! But I was lucky to realize somewhere along the way that I could make honey out of dog shit. I realized that I could remember the ghosts of my past the way I chose to, and that changing those memories into positives could become my truth. In other words I could be a survivor instead of a victim. Yes, I could focus on all the things that hurt me as a child. There were plenty of old stories like that to grab on to. But, I also had a choice to remember the good moments, the love, the dreams, the growing up together that we all did. The truth is that when I focused on those good stories, like I did with my book Shoo Shoo Shoo Sha La La, I felt much better. And isn't that what the point of all this is? When I choose to remember the good times, and there are lots with both my parents, my whole life changes for the better. I wondered why I had chosen to stay in my dark corner, only big enough for one, for so long? I had suffered and re-suffered and for what? To prove a point. I was sacrificing my own happiness to be right.
I recognize that there is a certain high that comes from feeling superior. My ego loves that vantage point. But I am here to tell you that the costs of being right about being hurt, is much greater than the rewards.To be right, to be mad forever, separates me from the Light of the Spirit, that can only be found by being a part of all that is. There are no rewards found in isolating myself in the pain of past woes.
My book is a celebration of life for me. It is quirky, but it is also loving. It is about finding the gems in the dirty archaeological dig that is my life. It is time for me to forgive, and get to love the deepest way possible because of that willingness to let go. I am letting my dad go with this book. It is for me, him and my family so we can celebrate the beauty and put the pain away. It is time to live my life more fully. Thanks for sharing in this very personal journey with me. It is my story, but i think it is also yours. We all suffer from the same condition: being human. This is what we do, until we know that we don't have to anymore. When we finally realize that we do not have to hang onto pain, we can choose to let the past stories go, and then we get to create a beautiful today. I love you dad. Perhaps the next story will be about mom? There are lots of good stories there too. Today I choose to love both my parents and to celebrate what is right and beautiful about them. And for that I am grateful.