To start this new year off, I began reading Russell Brand's Revolution. Anyone who knows me as well as they possibly can (being that I do not really even know myself that well yet) would know that I can be a bit of an extremist. If I believe in something, I believe in it well. So even though I am not far into this book I am looking at everything differently already. I am sure that I will be spouting Brand-isms for the coming weeks, and perhaps even months to come. So, I will just apologize to you right now.
Since starting this book I found myself asking why I do the things I do. Like, why do I create art, or want to write, or as a fellow in a writing group recently asked, why do we (I) change our (my) profile picture so often? Am I, like he implied, not just looking for a response from some external force to validate my self-worth? Hmm...annoyingly interesting! Am I just waiting for someone to tell me who I am? This thought would have really bugged me a couple years back, but intrigues me now. I always needed to hang onto the small shred of identity I had, for without it I had no identity at all. It is true, I post a new profile picture often just to see what the response to it will be, so I can know how to feel about myself. I know this sounds insane and it is even harder to admit, but it is the truth! And I am more than ready to shed this old suit that has been me, and find something greater that I can use to define the kind of person I would like to be.
I can remember a stupid question I posted over a year ago. I asked whether my friends thought I should cut my hair short or not!!! Oh my God! I am embarrassed when I reflect back on that question. Like really who cares whether I shave all my hair off for crying out loud. A friend, at that time, answered that no one should decide for me whether I should have long or short hair. But it would have been reasonable for him to say, "No one gives a shit whether your hair is long or short, and if they do, they are really not your friend". A friend doesn't care about what is on the outside. A friend cares about your soul, the real stuff. So, sorry I asked something so senseless of you, my friends. And thanks for your love and patience.
Russell Brand asked (me) in his his book, who are you? Do you think you are your name, or where you live, what kind of work you do for a living, or how you suffered as a child? I could not honestly answer this question because that's honestly who I thought I was. People might say, tell us a bit about who you are, and I would say, "I am a mother, a grandmother, a creative person, and a blah blah blah." But does that answer the question about who I really am? I really don't think it does.
My quest for this year (my resolution) is to find out who I really am, beyond all of my external disguises. I have recently started doing a little thing that I have never done before. Instead of feeling so sensitive when someone says something that triggers my old defensiveness, I have begun to drop into myself. I can see myself in my imagination, sitting in a little pod just below the surface of my physical reality, observing everything that is going on around me without feeling the usual fear, anger, worry, stress, or inadequacies that I have always felt. When I am in this place, I can breathe and see that I actually have a choice in how I perceive everything. I can choose to be compassionate and know that no one ever really means to be hurtful to me. It just happens because we all think we have to defend our assumed identities.
In my life there has been too much of me looking for who I am in my outer world and not enough of me searching for who I am in my inner world. In my inner world I see my perfection and connectivity to all that is. This is who I am. I am perfect and connected. Like you are. What happens outside of my pod is not real. It is merely a fairy tale that I have made up as I have gone along,
Here is a poem that I wrote the other day. As you can see this stuff is on my mind. I am determined to find out who I really am and to start being her. Thanks for the part you play in my learning to be more authentic.
I've found that sweet place
On the doorstep of fear
And the relief that I've gained
Changed the way that I see
I can drop in anytime
When I feel the burning set in
I can retreat
Like a retractable cord
Change the direction I'm going
Oh what a relief
When I drop into that sweet place
I find that I can finally see
That the fight I am fighting
No longer has to be me
I can let it all go
On the wings of my knowing
Be okay with the show
Choose to keep growing
For nothing is ever as it seems
But it's always as I make it
So for this year That I'm facing
You will find me more in this spot
And engaged in the old chaos
You will find that I'm not
Much love always,