In the past year I have met some really wonderful people. Some of them are artists, writers and seers, and they have included me in their own exciting journey's towards finding Ourselves, and for this I am really grateful. Through their inclusion and acceptance, I have become part of something greater than I could ever have hoped to have been on my own; I have become part of a tribe, and part of the Whole. I have learned that I do not need to be first, smartest, the most talented or the best at anything, in order to be a winner. I have learned that it is better to belong to the Whole Of Humanity, than it is to stand alone with any award for being the best at anything individually. I have learned that when I am part of the Whole, I am always a winner because I am truly engaged in Living.
I have learned not to be (as) competitive, but instead to celebrate the success of my friends and fellows, and to really feel their success in my heart. This has taken some work because my ego-self is always crying out to be valued, noticed and separate from the Whole. But it is not in the isolation of my ego-self that I have found my Self-worth and 'happy place' in this blessing of my life journey. It is with you that I have found that! So thank you.
I have always been inclined to isolate and compete with others around me, wanting to anything well enough to validate my sense of self-worth. Through pushing myself to claim a spot for myself in the universe, beside you, rather than separate from you, I realized that my insecurity was due to thinking I could be outside of the Whole, and because I did not know that I too am an important part of All That Is. I have come to see that we are each like a vein in the greater body of the Whole. And we are all better when we work together synergistically, for the greater good. It is my belief that no one can be truly happy while they live in a dark corner (where I have spent a lot of my life) only big enough for one.
Thankfully, I have been overcoming some of my insecurities, through the generosity and kindness that you have all extended me. When I showed you my short-comings, my tenderness, my pain and even my quirkiness, in my art and writing, you accepted me where I was at at the time, and even celebrated the courage it took for me to show you. Each and everyone of you has helped me get to know my true Self better, through offering your unconditional love. And because of the love I found in your friendships, I have begun to chip away at some of the protective barriers that I have built up around my heart (I really feel that). The amazing thing is that little by little, as I open my heart to my truer Self, I am finally able to see the beauty and the miracle that is truly You. However, I know, I can not recognize the miracle of you, until I have recognized what a miracle I am first.
In the past, I have written volumes of stories about you (all in my head of course), in an attempt to protect myself from my own limiting beliefs about who I thought was. Little did I know, that by facing up to my false beliefs about my imperfections, I would get to see that I was really a beautiful creation of God and because of that, I could never be anything less than magnificent. And finding that truth has set me free.
I have read so many great books in the last year; A Course In Miracles being among them, and the thing that all the books have in common, is that they all have been teaching me to open my heart and see the good that is everywhere. They have taught me that what I see with the limitation of my eyes deceives me. My eyes reflect only the fictitious stories that I have written, and no truth can be found there. These books, and living my life, have all taught me that I always have a choice in what I see. I used to think that I had no choice in how my life played out, and that I was merely a victim of circumstances, but I now know that I have always been the designer of my life.
Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is, is one of the books that really woke me up. I read a quote by her on my Facebook news feed recently, that had really caused a stir. She said, "Victims are violent people." Of course there were a lot of people that took that the wrong way. They thought too literally about it. But for me, I saw a freedom in that concept. And upon contemplating the meaning further, I got quite interested in her 'Work', as she calls it. In her book, she shows us that our victim-minded thoughts do not have to be our reality; that we can actually choose what our what our reality will be. She says that by thinking like a victim, we are in fact choosing to live a life of insanity and violence. When you 'love what is' and let go of the stories that you have created about the way you think life is suppose to be, you enter into a state of consent, allowing and acceptance about what is. And when you accept life on life's terms, and realize that no one need change anything in order for you to find happiness, and you are set free.
It is a lot to get into here, and I am not even going to try and explain it all, but suffice it to say, that when I am stuck in thinking like a victim, I do become violent; I get defensive, I lash out and it does not matter one bit if there is even the tiniest bit of truth in what is being said. All I want to do is protect my ego-self against the idea that there could be anything wrong with m thinking, or my actions.
When I do not accept responsibility for my faulty thoughts and actions, I get into a state of denial, and I become a victim of my thoughts. By doing that, I avoid the truth about who I am choosing to be, and the way I am choosing to live my life in the moment. And because of this, I have missed a golden opportunity for growth that only comes with taking responsibility for one's errors and realigning themselves with the correct flow of things again. And all this because I had a deep fear that I could only be either right or wrong. I thought that only one person could win and the other had to lose. But, the truth is that there are always many perspectives, and that it is okay that we are not always on the same page. As a matter of fact, it is a blessing that we aren't. Because it is this is the kind diversity that makes life the beautiful diverse rainbow that it is.
Henry David Thoreau once noted this, upon observing Walden Pond, that the pond was green at one time, and yet blue at another, even when it was viewed from the same perspective. Now if a person was to become rigid and say that Walden Pond was only green, or that it was just blue, they would both be right, but they would also be cutting themselves off from the flow and magic of life. They would be limiting their experience by not considering the possibilities that there is always more to the truth than the truth they can see in that particular moment, with the limitation of their eyes. Helen Keller once wrote that, "The only thing worse than being blind was having sight with no vision." And I was the worse kind of blind.
But, I no longer have to try to appear perfect in the physical sense. When I find negative feelings coming to the surface of my consciousness, I can put my thoughts through Byron Katie's set of inquiries, and turn my thoughts around. My negativity is always a mirror, showing me where the work needs to be done on my self. My negative feelings indicate that I am out sync with the flow of things; that I am no longer allowing for the universal energy to flow through me, and that I have become blocked. Not to worry though, because I can just choose to reset my intention upon being happy, and do the work necessary to get back into the flow.
I realize this post might be a bit boring, but it is the way my mind works. I have been seeking Serenity my whole life, and I have had a tendency to complicate things. Someone once told me that I was too sensitive. I sought counselling afterwards (that was how sensitive I was) and was told that that was not true. The counselor said it was impossible to be too sensitive and that the other person just did not want to take responsibility for their part. Today I see that that there was truth in that accusation that I was too sensitive.. When I am sensitive, I have really gotten into the story I am writing about how things are. Katie says that I am arguing with reality. Being a blank slate, or being born again each moment, allows
The past weekend, maybe even the past two weeks, I have felt myself slow down and enjoy each moment more. I noticed the beautiful colors in the winter sunset, and the way the harbour looked as it became blanketed in snow. I am blessed to live here. But I can't see it when I live in the nasty stories in my head.
I could tell you what my accomplishments have been in the past year, with regards to my art, but my greatest accomplishment can be found in my enjoyment and gratitude of my blessings, and those blessings are the relationships with my husband, my little black pug, my family and friends.
Thanks for being there with me and sharing your Self with me. Blessings, Love, Light and Serenity to you all! Here is to another wonderfu<3