The delusion that my feelings do not need to be acknowledged, is mine alone. We all have a right to have our feelings considered. I have been trying to work on accepting others right to the honest expression of their feelings. Another area I have been working on is accepting that no one other than myself is responsible for my happiness. And I think this is all good, but I was forgetting one really important part. That is that I that I can not possibly accept another's right to their feelings, if I do not accept my own right to feel the way I do about a thing. I alone am responsible for my own happiness, this is true. But the bottom line here is that I need to respect my own feelings in order to be happy. You matter, yes, but I have to matter too so I can be happy.
I have heard the terms "Shadow Side and Shadow Work" twice in the last week (funny how that always happens). These words jumped off the page at me. Before now, I haven't REALLY heard those terms, especially as they apply to me. My ego tells me that I need to be more evolved than I actually would be, by admitting that I too have a shadow side. Truth is I do not allow myself to acknowledge that I have darker feelings (what an ego trip). I somehow think I should be bigger than that. So I stuff my feelings by putting on a fake happy face in light of dire situations. I think I need to say "it's okay," when it is not okay with me. I behave in a way that says your feelings are more important than mine. It is not your fault that my feelings are getting trampled on. It is mine alone. I am the one who is perpetuating the deception.
So my girl in this painting represents me when I compromise myself by not telling the truth about how I really feel. My world looks like this when I lie about this truth. It is interesting that my girl is a puppet. When I do not allow myself to be honest about how I feel about something, I literally become a puppet by relinquishing control of my feelings to another. Each time I do this, my spirit withers and dies just a little bit. I do not want to sound melodramatic (chronic people pleaser to the end), but Inside I am seething when I compromise my feelings, no matter how much I try and make it okay.
In conclusion, I realize that I can not accept your right to say "no" if I do not accept my own right to say "no.". The truth is that I do not always want to do a what you want to do, and it is not always okay to do whatever you want to do without consideration of my feelings. It is that plain and simple. Sometimes I say "do not worry about me" when I really need to say, "you better worry about me, because if you do not there will be hell to pay." Yeah, you might get to do that thing you want to do that has me compromised, but you need to know that there will be a huge price that we will all will pay when my real feelings come out sideways. And know that they will come out. They always do.
There I said it. When I finally refuse to to be inconsiderate of my own feelings, we will both be released in the process. I MATTER! That is quite a concept (funny how much fear I feel in saying those two words that should really be a given). My feelings are as important as yours (What???). I have to love myself first. Have a great day and remember WE ALL MATTER!. xo